Editor’s note: Biff managed to get a pass from the rehab center in order to provide the commencement address at a small town high school. Below, we’ve transcribed his comments from the script he wrote on a grease-stained Denny’s napkin:
“Thank you Mr. Superintendent and members of the board of education. It’s a pleasure to be here today at this commencement exercise. There is nothing more inspiring than to look out at the sea of potential that exists in the young people seated in front of me. I hope you find my words as inspiring as I find you.
“But first, before I begin my comments, if there are any members of the law enforcement community in the audience, I would like to say emphatically that I am NOT the Biff Humble whose name appears on the Department of Homeland Security’s watch list. The similarities in our names is nothing more than an unfortunate coincidence that has caused me nothing but trouble.
“Now, in addition to the fine superintendent and board of education of this school district, there are a number of others I would like to thank, as well.
“First, I’d like to thank all the parents that rushed down to the auditorium floor to snap a photo of your graduate during the processional, with absolutely no thought about the people whose view you blocked by doing so. Your enthusiasm is a sight to behold.
“Then, I’d like to thank all of you in the audience who continued with your personal conversations during the very nice speech by the young lady - the president of her class - who spoke before me, with absolutely no thought about the people whose ability to hear her moving words was blocked by your doing so.
“But, not everyone in the audience was engaged in conversation during her speech. There were a few shining faces in rapt attention during it. Shining because they were illuminated by the glow of their cellphones as they checked their email and text-messaged their friends.
“Then, there was the person who inflated a beach ball, and tossed it among the graduation candidates during the band’s special musical interlude. And, all the prospective grads who batted the ball back and forth, causing no end of merriment among the crowd, the sound of which drowned out the band’s performance.
“And finally, there were the family and friends of prospective graduates who, as their graduate’s name was read, responded with everything from redneck whoops to aerosol air horns, drowning out the name of the graduate that followed.
“I’d like to thank you all because you have demonstrated, much better than I ever could have explained, the world that these graduates before me will inherit. You have demonstrated to them the fall of the Empire of Manners, and the launch of the DARK AGE of ME. An age in which the only thing that matters is - yes, you guessed it - you.
“In the DARK AGE of ME, no one has to worry about anything other than themselves, and how to get what they want. We no longer have to worry about such such pains in the ass as waiting our turn, standing in line, or not bothering others. We can push others out of the way, cut in line, and be as obnoxious and irritating as we want.
“Unless of course, there is someone bigger, more obnoxious, and more irritating than us there already. For in the DARK AGE of ME, it’s survival of the fittest, and the biggest and strongest take what they want, leaving nothing but scraps for everyone else.
“The meek may inherit the earth, but that may be cold comfort, as there won’t be much left after the pushy take what they want.
“What does this mean for you young people, stepping out of the world of childhood and into adulthood? It means nothing will change. The asshole jocks and cheerleaders whom you have suffered for the past 13 years will continue to walk around like their shit don’t stink, take credit for your hard work, and get much more than they deserve.
“They will hold an excessively loud Nextel conversation in the booth next to you while you try to enjoy a relaxing dinner. Even though everyone else has merged right, they will speed their Lexus SUV down the left lane until it ends, and then squeeze in ahead of you, causing the very traffic jam they are trying to avoid. They will honk at you if you hesitate a microsecond after the left turn arrow has lit, but flip you off if you honk at them because they spent the first 30 seconds of a green light continuing to check how they look in the vanity mirror.
“So, what can you do?
“First and foremost, don’t trust anyone other than yourself - and suspect your own intentions.
“If you manage to fool an employer into hiring you, spend at least half your time trying to find ways to delegate your work to others.
“Spend the other half of your time amassing dirty laundry on your co-workers, supervisor, and upper management. You never know when you might need blackmail to get out of a tight spot.
“If your boss asks you to do something that will make your job harder, ask, ‘What’s in it for me?’
“If a coworker asks you to do something that will make their job easier, tell them, ‘What do I look like, a schmuck?’ And then ask them to do something that will make your job easier.
“In your social life, always insist that your date pay half - unless they have already offered to pay the entire bill.
“Have sex like the only thing that matters is your own satisfaction. After all, what else does matter?
“If you get married, force your spouse to sign a prenuptual agreement that leaves them nothing in the event of a divorce.
“During your marriage, continue to live your life as if you were single, forcing your spouse to accomodate your lifestyle and schedule.
“When you divorce, use every legal trick in the book to leave your spouse with less than nothing.
“If you have children, place them in day care as young as possible, and leave them there as long as possible.
“Involve your children in sports. Teach them to hog the ball, push others out of the way, and cry if they don’t get their way. Teach them to blame the referees if they lose, and take all the credit if they win.
“Teach them to laugh at other people’s misfortune. Give them everything they ask for, and reward selfish behavior by giving them even more.
“As your children reach adulthood, begin hiding your assets in secret accounts, to keep it away from them should you begin to become demented, and they are able to talk a judge into granting them financial guardianship over you.
“And prepare yourself to die alone, in a nursing home that reeks of urine, feces, and vomit.
“For, in the DARK AGE of ME, we are all alone.
“Thank you for this opportunity to encourage you in your future endeavors, and make sure my check is waiting backstage.”
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